Elaine I am not sure what to say to you and I am sure whatever I am about to write you will not want to read. You asked for my help and I am going to shoot straight here and not sugar coat my advice. YOU my dear are a VICTIM in every classic sense of the word and that is not good. I feel anger and sorrow for you when I read your question. God did not give you anything to bear, you have created your own life and you need to take responsibility for what you have done or not done in the last 13 years since your husband passed over. I am sorry you had to experience such a tragic loss, but let’s be honest with each other here; many people have suffered the same loss and have chosen to live on with purpose and to find love with life again. I am pretty sure you were a whole person with your own identity before you met your husband so why you choose to sit on your couch day in and day out and not live 13 years after he passed on is beyond me. I have not experienced your loss and I do not know how that feels, but I can’t understand how you can CHOOSE to not be the best person for yourself and for your daughter that you can be. What do you think your choices have done to your children? Your daughter deserves to have a full functioning mother, a mother who loves her enough she would choose to have a life. Can you truly look at the scenario with your son and take responsibility for your part in it. Be honest with yourself and see how you have created or added too many of your problems through your decisions or lack thereof. I would suggest you be the best mom you can be so that if or when your son decides to come back to you, he actually would have a mother to come home to, at present he does not have a mom, simply a shell of a woman. I honestly believe you must feel like you benefit by being a victim or you would make other choices to get out of your self imposed prison or hell you find yourself in.
Your husband is all too well aware of what your life is like and I am sure he would love to help you, as his love is still strong for you, but the simple truth is only YOU can change the future course of your life. You might want to get a new councillor as apparently the one you are with is not working. Why not fight through the fear and get off the couch and go volunteer at a soup kitchen, a hospital palliative care ward or at a hospice. At any of these places you would see people with HUGE life ending issues that are not as sad or as depressed as you are. Focus on someone other than yourself and your life won’t seem so bad. HELP ANOTHER and you will help yourself. The fastest and most direct way to help yourself is to give to another that which you are looking for yourself. Focus on what you can give thanks for instead of focusing on the negative aspects or what you do not like about your life or relationships.
I know you are hurting because of your son, which must be horrible. But if you don’t like the situation start to work towards changing it. Your part of the equation is not working, what you are doing is not working, so act and choose differently. How can one drowning person save another drowning person... they can’t. You need to get on firm ground before you are any good to your children. Love yourself enough to want a different life. Take control of your life today Elaine and fight through the fear. Fear can be paralyzing to an individual, but it also can serve as fuel in your gas tank and drive you forward, that choice is yours. I sound harsh with you, I get that, but I truly care about you and I have not even met you. So if I give a damn about you, I know your children love you, even your son. As a parent the best you can do is to let your son know you love him and leave it at that. You have to let him know your door is always open when he is ready for a HEALTHY relationship, but you can’t control the if, when, how or why of the situation. Let it all go and decide you want a different life and I promise you God will give you opportunities in front of you, but you will have to go get them. I wish you nothing but the best that life has to offer Elaine as life is a precious gift not to waste and YOU ARE HERE FOR REASON.